Posted in The Unconventional Thesis of a woman from Glasgow

I guess i’m manic!

Was that a long or short day, i ask myself as I lay me down to sleep, unsure of how I feel it has passed, it matters little it passed its sleep time, but my mind keeps racing.

I think about this, comparing it visually in my minds eye to a blue bottle, flying by the window , that has just been zapped by fly killer from an aerosol can. Demented, & buzzing loudly as it batters against the window, thudding and darting about, dropping to the sill, then rising frantically, before it finally makes its final decent to death.

My mind moves on ….. another dellema…

How the fuck can there be hunger in a world abundant & full of vegetation?

I debate this silently & with myself, arguing that perhaps I just don’t understand the complexities of it all, saying;

“No don’t be a daft cow, of course you do… whats to understand?”

Making points like, fruit and veg and herbs were around before man, they grow in the wild without help, and are cultivated and grown in farms too, what the fuck is complicated about this, christ June, even if you don’t go along with the whole Adam and Eve, garden of Eden story it’s the basis of the Genesis story & its argued in evolution theory, its not difficult, from insects all the way up & thru the food chain, vegetation is life even plants eat plants, there is no argument, there is no valid reason for hunger, it is a government strategy and agenda of control…

“Shut up SHUT UP!” , I scream silently to my mind, sleep, just stop & let me sleep. As all the while, my foot is doing the shaky thing and I can’t control it, I focus, my foot stops, my mind moves on…

Why do I get like this, I go through various theories of my own and others starting with issues related to cosmology, the influence of planetary positions on individuals, I focus on the aspects related to people, astrology …

“Your a Gemini, Mercury is in retrograde, your bound to be cranky & weird, all things concidered, in relation to my birth date and astrology.

I start to think about numbers, my mind moving to numerology, changing focus…

I beleive I know myself and my mood quite well, even if I am not always able to fully control them I’m working on that, its presently a full time job.

When I am like this I am always unsure of everything, especially myself, I know this.

I feel stupid, an egotistical know it all, that actually knows nothing, thats who I am my mind tells me, as I protest, NO, I tell myself, you’v looked it up, how many books have you read, doesn’t mean you’v learned anything , doesn’t mean you’v understood no, thats just because you’v allowed other people to convince you your stupid, patronize you, no insight.

Oh, hear we go, the blame game, take responsability woman, where the fuck is your self believe? your self confidence? what are you allowing yourself to become…?

This argument and line of questioning goes on for longer than I want to relate, it gets boring…

The shaky foot thing has started up again, I focus, it stops, and I realise I’v just transferred the action to the inner thigh flexy thingy, which is quite pleasant…
pleasant or not I don’t want to be doing it , I focus and make myself stop…

Mind moves on…

I am still wide awake, aware of my surrounding, eyes closed trying to sleep, but fully conscious, more discussions with myself in silent mind talk , on a variety of topics, nothing of particular consequence.

On the inside of my eyelids a woman standing in a shower a large black butterfly tattoo on her lower back just above where her knicker line would be, long black hair wet, halfway down her back, water splashing on her from the shower head above, a man kneeling in front of her ready to make his move, I don’t know who he is, but I feel I know him, even though I can’t see his face, he reaches out his hand towards her hips like he’s about to pull her in…

No please don’t, I can’t handle that, I whisper silently in my head without uttering the words.

HE tells her to go without touching her, and in an instant she is gone from my inner eye lids.

He remains, and is now standing in front of a mirror, in what looks like a hotel room.

A large bed behind him as he stares at me through the mirror, a white towel tied round his waist.

I can see him clearly, all of him yet his face, I can’t see, it’s there but I don’t see it. How weird, drop the towel I say in thoughts, he loosens the towel, and it drops to the floor, nice body I think to myself smiling I am sure, then the vision is gone.

I am still aware I am awake.

Please, please, just let me sleep, I ask my mind, as the shadows of light & dark pulsate on the inside of my eyelids, occasionally broken with thunderbolt lines of light.

Someone once told me that when this happen I should just let the images flow and the visions will take their course if I let then so I do…

I am hoping sleep will come, it doesn’t.

The pulsating lights fade in and out to men dressed in kkk style sheets with pokey hat hoods that conceal them, there are many…

I can’t see what they are doing but I feel it’s not good.

Why am I seeing this ? I ask myself, there is no reason, no line of recent thought or memory that I can justify for triggering these sinister images , I am not asleep I am aware of my surroundings .

I open my eyes, fuck it go eat pizza and live to die another day I say, getting out of bed.

I go to the kitchen and take the leftover pizza from the fridge and place it in the microwave then spot the grapes and take it back out and put it back in the fridge picking up the grapes instead, choose the healthy option.

Woman! I scold myself smiling, as I leave the kitchen and head for the living room.
I guess I’m manic, but I know soon it will pass.


I have a keen interest in The Arts as therapy, and as a fundamental tool for understanding, and managing mental health. I love nature, reading, writing, poetry, photography, movies, painting, dance and yoga. And have a keen interest in social issues & humanities.

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