I’m not going to repeat my usual John Lennon quote about life getting in the way of keeping up with these pages, but it kinda does, between procrastinations.
The year got off to its usual slow starts. Things were progressing to plan. I got me, a new wee second-hand car. Everything seemed hunky dory.
There were, of course, the everyday ups and downs that happen. My children, ( now adults) had received some pending bad tidings with regards to their father.
I did my best to take the advice of my eldest boy, who had reminded me of something I’d quoted years before.
Something my mother said, that at various times, I had said to him, and his siblings when they were younger:
” If you have nothing good to say, best say nothing at all”
The news had first come to light sometime in November.
I witnessed the arrival of the news, sitting in my living room when my youngest son received news from his father, I believe from the hospital.
My son had entered the room, left of where I was sitting. He stood, staring down at the mobile phone in his hand. Looking a little lost and bewildered.
“That was my dad” he said. Still staring down at the phone.
“The cancer is back, he said. it’s in his spine, lungs, and liver. The prognosis isn’t good.
There’s nothing really they can do. He’s got a few months, maybe weeks apparently.”
He was still staring at the phone.
” I didn’t know what to say to him” He paused, and looked at me,
” I don’t know what I ‘m supposed to feel”.
I understood what he meant. And I didn’t know what to say to my son.
Nor did I know what I should say to his older siblings when I would inevitably face the topic with them.
My separation and the divorce that followed had not been one that could be described as amicable. Two decades on, there was civility between my ex-husband and I on the rare occasions when by chance our paths crossed. We were polite, courteous and adult.
I had long since lost any emotional feelings towards him. I was at best indifferent.
I wished him no ill or suffering. He was my children’s father.
However, that did not alter the fact that I was well aware there was still a bucketful of emotional worm cans, that could easily be spilled, for each of my children, and indeed myself. Worm cans that could send little triggers to all sorts of past pains, grief, angers, and even confusions, that were thought to have been buried long ago.
Little toxic why the fucks, just waiting to be resurrected by thoughtless words, actions or behaviors by other parties who were by and large to nieve, stupid, ignorant or perhaps even mindfully antagonistic, manipulative, heartless and cruel. Not to me, but to my children.
It was then I realized that indifference was becoming angry, not at the impact of the situation on me personally, that did not exist, but by once again bearing witness to the thoughtlessness in the interactions of him, and his other family in the days leading up to, and following his death.
The issues related to my ex-husband’s death are not the main topic of this update, although the subject matter will be addressed in my book A Girl from Glasgow and analyzed at a later date in The Unconventional Thesis of a girl from Glasgow.
This update is about where I’d like to take these pages going forward.
When I first began posting these pages I felt I had an important story that had to be told.
At that time around 2009, I was living through what was the most frightening & mentally and emotionally draining period of my life till then.
I believe I became fragmented.
In one fragment, I lived out my fall into the abyss in long, often, I guess, disorganized rants online, as I desperately tried to understand what had become my reality.
I talked about my ordeal in various blogs, Facebook posts, Twitter and other social media sites, desperately trying to raise awareness of my case and my predicament as I tried to find advice, support and assistance to help with legal aspects.
I posted documents and other supporting evidence related to my predicament, and I screamed and cursed and cried in video posts without shame, in a desperate bid for justice, not just for me but others like me. Basically, I Shared a large part of my breakdown online. Much of it is still out there in the www somewhere I guess.
In another fragment, I created an ultra ego, and through that, I expressed emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, trepidations & different aspects of me, and, my story through the creative aspects of my personality. In poetry, painting, photography, and other creative pursuits. It was this fragment that kept me alive and sane, in the chaos that was my reality, in this fragmentation, I believe I entered a different level of consciousness & was guided through the shadows of my mind to a clearer understanding of my reality, despite this fragment being the one that many used against me to deem me crazy.
In the third fragment, I swung like a pendulum between the other two fragments of my divided self. Trying to analyze and rationalize the all of it, & connect the separated fragments into a consious harmonious union.
Going forward with these pages it is the impact of how the arts helped me to keep going through that journey to where I am now, that I hope to focus on.
My journey has not ended yet, nor have I achieved my original goals for what I call the Hethen Project but I’m on it and I’m getting there slowly but surely.
In recent weeks while I have not posted I have continued to bring together diffrent collections of the various art and writing projects from 2009 to date.
I have also been submitting some of my written projects to various outlets and hope to have more updates regarding what comes next soon.
Going forward I hope to share some of the artistic creations that brought me from there to here and explain the different ways the arts have helped me understand my journey, manage my mental health & live with mental illness.
Finally, if you have followed my pages at any time anywhere, thank you I appreciate your patience and persistence with my unregularity.
And I hope to bring more interesting updates and interesting posts in the near future.