I’m not going to repeat my usual John Lennon quote about life getting in the way of keeping up with these pages, but it kinda does, between procrastinations.

The year got off to its usual slow starts. Things were progressing to plan. I got me, a new wee second-hand car. Everything seemed hunky dory.

There were, of course, the everyday ups and downs that happen. My children, ( now adults) had received some pending bad tidings with regards to their father.

I did my best to take the advice of my eldest boy, who had reminded me of something I’d quoted years before.
Something my mother said, that at various times, I had said to him, and his siblings when they were younger:
If you have nothing good to say, best say nothing at all

The news had first come to light sometime in November.
I witnessed the arrival of the news, sitting in my living room when my youngest son received news from his father, I believe from the hospital.

My son had entered the room, left of where I was sitting. He stood, staring down at the mobile phone in his hand. Looking a little lost and bewildered.

“That was my dad” he said. Still staring down at the phone.
“The cancer is back, he said. it’s in his spine, lungs, and liver. The prognosis isn’t good.
There’s nothing really they can do. He’s got a few months, maybe weeks apparently.”
He was still staring at the phone.

” I didn’t know what to say to him” He paused, and looked at me,

” I don’t know what I ‘m supposed to feel”.

I understood what he meant. And I didn’t know what to say to my son.

Nor did I know what I should say to his older siblings when I would inevitably face the topic with them.

My separation and the divorce that followed had not been one that could be described as amicable.  Two decades on, there was civility between my ex-husband and I on the rare occasions when by chance our paths crossed. We were polite, courteous and adult.

I had long since lost any emotional feelings towards him. I was at best indifferent.

I wished him no ill or suffering. He was my children’s father.

However, that did not alter the fact that I was well aware there was still a bucketful of emotional worm cans, that could easily be spilled, for each of my children, and indeed myself. Worm cans that could send little triggers to all sorts of past pains, grief, angers, and even confusions, that were thought to have been buried long ago.

Little toxic why the fucks, just waiting to be resurrected by thoughtless words, actions or behaviors by other parties who were by and large to nieve, stupid, ignorant or perhaps even mindfully antagonistic, manipulative, heartless and cruel. Not to me, but to my children.

It was then I realized that indifference was becoming angry, not at the impact of the situation on me personally, that did not exist, but by once again bearing witness to the thoughtlessness in the interactions of him, and his other family in the days leading up to, and following his death.

The issues related to my ex-husband’s death are not the main topic of this update, although the subject matter will be addressed in my book A Girl from Glasgow and analyzed at a later date in The Unconventional Thesis of a girl from Glasgow.

This update is about where I’d like to take these pages going forward.

When I first began posting these pages I felt I had an important story that had to be told.

At that time around 2009, I was living through what was the most frightening & mentally and emotionally draining period of my life till then.

I believe I became fragmented.

In one fragment, I lived out my fall into the abyss in long, often, I guess, disorganized rants online, as I desperately tried to understand what had become my reality.

I talked about my ordeal in various blogs, Facebook posts, Twitter and other social media sites, desperately trying to raise awareness of my case and my predicament as I tried to find advice, support and assistance to help with legal aspects.

I posted documents and other supporting evidence related to my predicament, and I screamed and cursed and cried in video posts without shame, in a desperate bid for justice, not just for me but others like me. Basically, I Shared a large part of my breakdown online. Much of it is still out there in the www somewhere I guess.

In another fragment, I created an ultra ego, and through that, I expressed emotions, thoughts, feelings, fears, trepidations & different aspects of me, and, my story through the creative aspects of my personality.  In poetry, painting, photography, and other creative pursuits. It was this fragment that kept me alive and sane, in the chaos that was my reality, in this fragmentation, I believe I entered a different level of consciousness & was guided through the shadows of my mind to a clearer understanding of my reality, despite this fragment being the one that many used against me to deem me crazy.

In the third fragment, I swung like a pendulum between the other two fragments of my divided self. Trying to analyze and rationalize the all of it, & connect the separated fragments into a consious harmonious union.

Going forward with these pages it is the impact of how the arts helped me to keep going through that journey to where I am now, that I hope to focus on.

My journey has not ended yet, nor have I achieved my original goals for what I call the Hethen Project but I’m on it and I’m getting there slowly but surely.

In recent weeks while I have not posted I have continued to bring together diffrent collections of the various art and writing projects from 2009 to date.

I have also been submitting some of my written projects to various outlets and hope to have more updates regarding what comes next soon.

Going forward I hope to share some of the artistic creations that brought me from there to here and explain the different ways the arts have helped me understand my journey,  manage my mental health & live with mental illness.

Finally, if you have followed my pages at any time anywhere, thank you I appreciate your patience and persistence with my unregularity.

And I hope to bring more interesting updates and interesting posts in the near future.

 

 

 

 

IMAGINE WAR

Imagine lying in your bed
the sound of warplanes overhead
You go to the window & all you see
is rubble and carnage where homes & schools used to be.
The local hospital raised to the ground
the shops and your work place can’t be found.
No where to work no where to play
everything bombed, life in disarray
No clean water to cook or wash
no gas or electric, for the hob
no heat or light,children terrified,
wondering will they die if they sleep at night
Imagine war was all around you
living with oppression, what would you do?
would you pick up stones and try to fight back
knowing the odds against you were politically stacked
would you pray for safety, would you try to flee
Imagine the dilemma of being a refugee
ordinary people just like you and me

japans crisis is all of humanities crisis

I am far from an environmental or meteorological expert, & know little to nothing about earth sience & how whats under our feet in the planets core works, none the less I am bewildered that there is so little coverage of what is happening in Japan on MSM.

I understand that Japan is a country who’s population is familiar with rumblings under the ground resulting from its geographical & meteorological status, I guess if you are used to frequent lo magnitude earthquakes then in many ways its normal to you, however I suggest that these sort of tremors although quasi normal are generally spaced over distance and although they may happen simultaneously in different areas with different low risk factor magnitude levels, it is fairly unusual if not all but unheard of, that they rumble over the whole of Japan simultaneously, & surely that is cause for serious concern, not only for the people of Japan, but for the people of the world.

“Japan is sinking” said the tweet,

and I am not an alarmist but i am alarmed, which was why I wrote this in 2013

http://junei96.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/open-letter-to-shinzo-abe-prime.html

following on from the 2011 Fukushima disaster.

Around the world environmental experts have been warning us for years about the dangers of climate change, and although politicians may be making big efforts to talk the talk, few seem to be actually walking the walk,and doing something about it.

Meanwhile as the environment and planet, and thus humanity comes under attack as a result of corporate madness,not least from the nuclear energy & fossil fuel industries, the masses go about their day to day business in blind ignorance of the very real & pending threat to life & planet ignoring the warnings of nature & environmental activist who desperately cry WAKE UP.

And how much of this crisis is a result of weather modification, geo engineering and the nuclear insanity of the past 60 + years?

There can surely be little doubt that the Fukushima disaster and on going meltdown & leak crisis has played its part on what is happening in Japan and the whole pacific region, in fact, i’ll go further, as we see environmental chaos around the world as a result of climate change & fossil fuel extraction, pollution & nuclear fallout or waste whither that be from testings, war crimes or the effects of waste product & or from energy plants or depleted munitions.

I am aware that if Japan is sinking there is little to nothing we can do to stop it but surely there should be some sort of contingency plan to save the people & wildlife inhabitants of that nation, or should we Just shrug our shoulders and say thats a shame, as we wait for them all to disappear into the earth’s core and say oops didn’t see that coming!

I am appalled like many others at what our species is doing to this beautiful planet we live on.

I know we cannot change or eradicate the damage we have done but should we not at very least be doing something more to slow down & try to counterbalance the effect of it all now, should we not be seriously making big efforts to preserve our planet & eliminate the risks where & with what means we can with the knowledge & expertise of those who know about these things?

Or should we just think fuck it, the world gonna end soon lets sit back eat tacos and chocolate & drink pop while waiting to die?

It all just saddens me greatly, not because I fear dying but because I feel what a regrettable and shameful end mankind has brought upon this wonderful planet and all that dwells upon it.

http://sciencythoughts.blogspot.jp/2014/08/eruptionand-pyroclastic-flow-on-mount.html

http://ameblo.jp/akiva/

https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=climate+change+crisis&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=LhdqVbuHHYWa7Abs-IGoCA&ved=0CCcQgQMwAA

https://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=geo+engineering+climate+change&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=eRdqVfPxBaau7gbusoD4Bw&ved=0CB8QgQMwAA

http://www.globalresearch.ca/haarp-secret-weapon-used-for-weather-modification-electromagnetic-warfare/20407

 

It has been suggested that the only remaining factor from Orwell’s 1984 not to be operational is the thought police, I disagree and suggest the thought police agenda was in fact among the 1st agendas of government to be strategized initially through church & psychiatry & latterly through media & now mass surveillance.
The church has long used the threat of define retribution to control & implant thoughts into the minds of the masses, & in psychiatry what is cognitive behavioral therapy if not thought control & mind manipulation? yes it may have it’s positive aspects but every positive has a negative.
Brain washing techniques developed by medical & military scientists and strategists for the purpose of war propaganda & indeed torture are now common place practice in media for the purpose of corporate exploitation in advertising and in tv, film & all other media entertainment formats to manipulate & influence opinion for every aspect of life so to deny that the thought police are not an integral part of government practice seems farcical.
& now we have mass government surveillance, bloggers arrested & imprisoned for sharing opinions which are of more often than not, personal thoughts, be they good or bad in context of content, which of course is itself subjective to personal interpretation & opinion/thought, if they are not enacted in actions they remain only thoughts.
Tweeters have also been arrested for sharing thoughts or opinions, sometimes merely thought provoking sometimes insightful and sometimes just merely a case of emotional outburst with no intent, perhaps stupid & careless to share but none the less little more than a thought that’s passed through their head that they’ve shared.
I strongly support freedom of speech & expression and am aware of the issues related to incitement & offence however that is not what this blog is about, its about the denial of the thought police idea as reflected by Orwell & the denial that this sector of global government strategy and agenda is not already up and running because i suggest that evidence suggests it most definitely is and has been since long before 1984 was published or even thought of.

ADDITIONAL READING

http://www.vanityfair.com/unchanged/2012/08/christopher-hitchens-george-orwell

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/thought+police

http://wendythomasrussell.com/measuring-the-space-between-indoctrination-brainwashing/

http://www.phinnweb.org/neuro/brainwash/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3584580/

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jan/26/mass-surveillance-threat-human-rights-council-europe

http://www.forbes.com/sites/ryanholiday/2012/07/16/what-is-media-manipulation-a-definition-and-explanation/

he stands alone

He stands alone
clear waters flows
where once he roamed
where will he go
he wonders …

where will he find resting ground?
where do the hooded seals abound?
what shall he eat?
What of his friend the arctic fox?
will all sign of him be lost?
what will do, where will he go?
will he be lost forever more
what of the reindeer where will they go?
when there is no ice left
no sign of snow?

images (11) polar bear

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